To tame a lying heart

I’m one of those who learned too late not to believe everything I feel. My heart has been lying to me for decades and I didn’t even know it.

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In my opinion, emotions are the most volatile and unreliable piece of evidence. I don’t know about you but I only have to wait for few days, even a few minutes and I feel differently about something or someone. But the main problem with listening to a lying heart is that it causes doubt. Doubt in myself, and unease with taking any bold actions. I have noticed that as I attempt to take a big personal, or professional leap (of faith), I become overwhelmed with doubt. The emotion can stop me dead in my tracks. What if I fail? Then I look around me like a lost child, searching desperately for approval – even in the faces of strangers.

Thirty-something might be kind of late in life by many standards but as there’s still a good few decades ahead of me, I think it’s as good a time as any to tame my lying heart. I can’t get rid of it or even stop it from lying. But I can bring it under subjection. I’m not seeking forgiveness for it either, for it makes me human – sensitive, compassionate, passionate and frankly, I’ve kinda come to like myself that way. To be any other way would make me schizophrenic.

How do I tame my heart? It’s not something anyone can do for me. I’ve come to realise that who I am is separate from what I do and sometimes my heart cannot reconcile the two. I need personal and independent affirmation of who I am. This way I can ignore my body’s tendency to listen to lies that contradict what I already know. It’s about knowing. I’ve always found it curious that some people can feel one way and do something else. I’ve thought them insincere and even untrustworthy but this is where I’m heading. If I feel stupid – because I’ve said something stupid in front of dozens of people – it doesn’t mean I’m stupid. And it certainly doesn’t mean I should act stupid….not intentionally anyway.

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I’ve been on this journey to tame my lying heart for years. At first, I didn’t know what I was trying to tame or change. But now that I know, I feel relieved. I can achieve my dreams at a faster pace, I can look my fears and weaknesses in the eye instead of looking at my feet (or at strangers). It’s like I’m meeting myself – confronting my heart – for the first time. And in some ways, I am.

Thanks for reading. x

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