Toilet talk

I was on the toilet seat for a few seconds when I suddenly bounced up. I don’t know why. I just panicked. Sigh, I’ll tell you about it.

I was halfway to the toilet when another young lady appeared from a side door, and fell alongside me. It became apparent that we were both going to the ladies’ restrooms. I had seen her around but never spoken to her. She was kind enough to keep every door we went through open. I said, ‘thank you’ along with some other pleasantries. And just like that I broke the first rule of restroom etiquette:

DO NOT MAKE CHIT CHAT WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE GOING INTO THE TOILET WITH.

I let it go, forgiving myself almost instantly. But as I entered the toilet stall, I noticed that my companion entered the stall right next to me. Oh my God. I mean, there were about 5 empty stalls there (I had a quick glance and yes, I counted). Why the one next to me? Two rules broken in a matter of minutes:

CHOOSE A TOILET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM THE NEAREST USER (Ideally, two or three stalls away).

I had planned on doing only “number 1” but I tend to use toilet time as thinking time so I stay longer, reflecting on my thoughts. And sometimes, halfway between thinking and reflecting, I might do “number 2”.

Photo courtesy of Happy Little Nomad

Anyway, I started to hear noises and farting from the next stall. I suddenly realise that I’m actually sitting side by side with the noise maker, only separated by an obviously very thin cubicle wall – romantically waiting on the Poop gods. Then, I panicked. I just couldn’t do it. How can we ever look each other in the eye again? What, will we end up washing hands side by side at the sink?? As the smell began to spread through my stall, I bounced up. I frantically pulled my trousers up and dashed out of the stall at lightening speed. I had to leave before she got out. I can’t break anymore rules today:

DO NOT SPEAK TO ME AFTER I HAVE USED THE TOILET, ESPECIALLY IF FARTING HAS BEEN AUDIBLY EXCHANGED BETWEEN US.

All in all, it was a good, quick escape. But it left me breathless and frankly, still needing the toilet.

Later that day, I saw her again. Our eyes met and then….she spoke to me. She was pretty, friendly and clever, and probably had no idea the life-threatening extents I had gone to protect her. The whole thing kind of made me like her. I mean, she is human and humans use the toilet. We are ladies and we watch each others’ back. We waved goodbye as I got into my car. It was then I wondered if she had heard the fart I tried so hard to suppress in our time side by side in the toilet stall. If she did, she didn’t let it show. Who knows? We may be best friends one day.

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Comments

  1. This made me laugh, funny post.

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  2. This is hilarious and so true! In the public restroom, you act like you don’t know anyone. Even if myself and a few friends go in, once we pass through that threshold we go our separate ways and regroup again on the outside.

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  3. yourothermotherhere says:

    So funny and so true! I was shopping yesterday and had to use the facilities when it was quite crowded particularly with store employees who must have been on break. One of the women was very vocal and loud. After reading your post, I’m wondering now if she was just trying to coverup body sounds for all the other women? A compassionate act so to speak.

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  4. LMAO 4 realz!

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  5. Been laughing all morning. Even read it to hubbie!

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  6. So funny… so true… You have expressed this kind of moment with excellence…Way to “go”!

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  7. Very funny, Kemi. At least the other person wasn’t someone well known. It can happen……………me and Reginald D. Hunter ! But not as funny as your story. 🙂

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